(On the blog because the library won't save your files.)
We've just taken our senior class picture: One hundred and fifty kids on the front steps, arms thrown up and screaming, like a roller coaster ride. The reality of graduation and college is muting everything - I can't hear the screams, the camera's clicks, the schoolbell ringing.
I remember road trips, when I was younger. I used to gaze out of the window, and the blurring trees and traffic symbols, and plot out my imaginary farm. Draw the plans for my future community center, my cafe, my bookstore. Awake, I could dream forever of college life. In these fantasies, I was my best self, curled up in a chair with a book, or involved in animated conversation with friends, discussing Locke, Kant, Shakespeare, Homer. I imagined class discussions: A bunch of students and our proffessor, searching together for the essence of some subject. This would be - not the life - but life itself. Living. Living is in spirited conversation and meaningful texts. I couldn't stop dreaming.
That living is where I wished I was, it was what I imitated when I skipped school to go to my favorite cafe and read.
I've hated high school. I've felt under-educated, uninspired, alienated. So I didn't try very hard. I was impatient. Early on, I began to believe in self-education, the way a scientist believes in Carbon. (See Exhibit A. **I made a collage of some notes I've taken in self-education, quotations from different books, graphs of plots, things from my notebooks, if you've ever seen my notebooks.) I read poetry, literature, philosophy, anything I could get my hands on, and researched a LOT about education theory and alternative schooling.
And oh, conicidence! Two women sitting across from me are discussing where to send their kids to high school. "Don't do it! Don't send them! Let them roam and study what their hearts desire!!" I want to tell them, "High school is an oppressive institution, it will ruin their minds, it will devour their inspiration, it will turn their thoughts into badly analyzed numbers." One of them is wearing a shirt that says "American Woman". Yes, this is correct, public education is an American problem.
And then I really begin to ramble about how shitty Philly schools are, and the causes (capitalism, racism, classism), so here I stop. Thoughts? Should I not mention skipping school? This is just a beginning, but it's the best version I've written so far. Also - should I mention how I am friends with the security guard at the library (above mentioned - Eddie)? And I need to work in how I left Masterman because I hated their philosophy, but how CAPA hasn't fit well because their standards are so low, and how I've been trying to work this education thing out my way, by taking classes at Rutgers this year, but it's all still so UNSATISFYING.
No college will ever accept me.
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7 comments:
don't worry about what not to write yet. first just get everything in your head out on paper.
then don't look at it for a day or two. and after that, read over all of it, and start changing and getting rid of what you don't want or don't need.
you know all this.
Okay. First I agree with your sister. Get it all down. And really, you have a great block of stone here, just keep sculpting. And the skipping, at first I was like "oh, of course she should leave it in" but a moment latter I was trying the think like the people in charge of college acceptances and now I'm not sure... that's not helpful. Good luck killer. Take no prisoners.
who the fuck wouldn't accept you.
Necessary comment written in the computer of University of Pittsburgh: Why would a college want to accept you if you openly admit that school isn't your thing? When I was in your shoes, Sandy told me that, with different words but the same meaning. School doesn't educate actively or passively. School, and college in particular, is about resources. Yes, it's a capitalist system. But access to Brendan's school's library does bring me just that much closer to literary orgasm.
What am I talking about? Masterman suxxxxxx
oh man, the upenn library turns me on.
isn't there a way to frame it so it sounds less "school isn't my thing" and more "school sucks, but i am self-motivated" ? most of the schools im applying to are hippie schools whose philosophies agree with most of what im saying... do you think even they will just think im a slacker?
ruth!!! i think you are intelligent and beautiful. i really enjoyed reading this and if i worked for any admissions office, you would be in!
uhh...not sure if this helps with your question. i don't think they will think you are a slacker, i think you are honest, but still do add and emphasize that you are self-motivated!!! not sure how.
p.s. i do have to come over for dinner!!!! i miss you. i will call sarah's phone. she told me you had a hold of it now! when are you guys having me over!?!?! oh, i'll call you sometime when i am in the city so we can chill!
i have two google accounts
this is why i am switching to wordpress
http://confettiinmyhair.wordpress.com
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